Thursday, January 31, 2013

i think i am superwoman

helping my physically capable  but mentally frightened four-year-old for the past 6 weeks has been in a word: 
brutal

i was hiding in my bathroom when i heard caleb screaming for me to come take him to the potty. 
for the bajillionth time. 
i sighed, shushing my irritation and went to take care of him--even though he can do it himself. 
as i was walking out, i looked in the mirror and thought to myself "i have survived a month of this. i must be superwoman."

winter is taking its toll on me. 
between the cold, complete lack of sunshine and being cooped up in my house, i am ready to implode or explode...whatever..some kind of combustion.

i has hit me that my lack of peace and source of frustration is my expectations:
i think i need caleb to go to the potty alone but i reality, i can handle helping him. i just have to submit my stubbornness.
i think i need sunshine, but i can find other sources of rejuvenation. i just have to look harder.
i think i need a clean house but i can cope with just a clean grown-up bedroom. 
i think i need colt to not scream like he has his leg sawed off because caleb took his toy but i can cope with it. i can tune out the sounds. 
i think i need tranquility to deal with my inner irritations but i can learn to squash them on my own. 

in short, what i think i need and what i actually need at two different things. 
when i let go of what i think i need 
i can find the joy and rejuvenation i need. 

That said:
For the briefest moment he had his cast off today. 
instead of the black, removable walking boot i was hoping for, he got a shorter hard cast. (pics later)
his bones are healing well and he will be able to walk in this cast.
when he is ready. 
today, in his mind, his leg is re-broken and is terrified to do anything. 
we have taken a significant step backwards...
i am hoping it is a short lived thing.
 a very short lived thing. 
i am sure it will be. 
he will be running around in no time and i will long for the days when things stayed clean because he was stuck on the couch. 

in the meantime, i will work to change my mindset.
lets face it, all of our problems are within our power to deal with more effectively. 

so, just like the little engine that could, i will chant to myself 
"i think i can; i think i can"
eventually i will. 




4 comments:

Jessica said...

Aww poor kid and poor mommy. Jill, I'm really enjoying him in my class in Primary. He is such a sweet boy. Let me know if there's anything I can do for you or him please.

stephslater said...

You said it and I feel that way, and now I just need to live it. Great perspective on how to accept things, especially hard things. I thought you were super women before this whole experience.
I hope he is up for play dates at our house soon.

Rach said...

You ARE superwoman. You are a great mom who is figuring things out along the way. I admire you so much, you have no idea. Thanks for the uplifting words and perspective.

Tiff Keetch said...

Ditto - you ARE superwoman! And have you read this: http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=251