i think i am superwoman

helping my physically capable  but mentally frightened four-year-old for the past 6 weeks has been in a word: 

brutal

i was hiding in my bathroom when i heard caleb screaming for me to come take him to the potty. 

for the bajillionth time. 

i sighed, shushing my irritation and went to take care of him--even though he can do it himself. 

as i was walking out, i looked in the mirror and thought to myself "i have survived a month of this. i must be superwoman."

winter is taking its toll on me. 

between the cold, complete lack of sunshine and being cooped up in my house, i am ready to implode or explode...whatever..some kind of combustion.

i has hit me that my lack of peace and source of frustration is my expectations:

i think i need caleb to go to the potty alone but i reality, i can handle helping him. i just have to submit my stubbornness.

i think i need sunshine, but i can find other sources of rejuvenation. i just have to look harder.

i think i need a clean house but i can cope with just a clean grown-up bedroom. 

i think i need colt to not scream like he has his leg sawed off because caleb took his toy but i can cope with it. i can tune out the sounds. 

i think i need tranquility to deal with my inner irritations but i can learn to squash them on my own. 

in short, what i think i need and what i actually need at two different things. 

when i let go of what i think i need 

i can find the joy and rejuvenation i need. 

That said:

For the briefest moment he had his cast off today. 

instead of the black, removable walking boot i was hoping for, he got a shorter hard cast. (pics later)

his bones are healing well and he will be able to walk in this cast.

when he is ready. 

today, in his mind, his leg is re-broken and is terrified to do anything. 

we have taken a significant step backwards...

i am hoping it is a short lived thing.

 a very short lived thing. 

i am sure it will be. 

he will be running around in no time and i will long for the days when things stayed clean because he was stuck on the couch. 

in the meantime, i will work to change my mindset.

lets face it, all of our problems are within our power to deal with more effectively. 

so, just like the little engine that could, i will chant to myself 

"i think i can; i think i can"

eventually i will. 

getting stronger

This week caleb has 

*started using his good leg to support his weight more

*spent more time on the ground scooting around playing, than on the couch

**starting to use his walker

These are huge steps forward in his healing. 

He has been so scared of using his good leg, almost as if he forgot he could. 

It has been fascinating to wade through this experience with him. 

seeing his emotional healing as well as his physical healing is difficult in so many ways but has been 

exciting when he does little things that show big improvement. 

he tries to show others what he can do and they are always so kind and positive

but i think rob and i are the ones who see the improvements most because we have been living through the whining, screaming, terrible attitudes, odd temper tantrums, freak-outs, brave moments, relentless tv

and a host of parental emotions that follow. 

this week marked two weeks left in this particular cast. i hope he gets a walking cast after this,

but i have no idea what happens next. 

we are all looking forward to a trip to st. george to play outside, swim and play outside more when k can. 

Headed out for some fun

January blues were threatening the other day so i loaded us all up and went to Scheels. Caleb loved the animals, colton loved the backpack (thank you tara, literal lifesaver!) and i loved getting out. 

we most certainly got some serious stares but i pretended i was a normal mom not doing anything unusual. 

thank heaven for stores with lots of square footage!

A major event

Caleb broke his leg. Both bones about mid way between knee and ankle. He was jumping from the window sill above my bed onto my bed and his leg got caught between the wall and headboard. Funny thing is, i had asked him probably 5 minutes before it happened not to jump that day. He had nodded in agreement; then i heard the snap. He pulled his leg out from being stuck and while i wanted to freak out, i knew he needed me to be calm so i slammed the lid on my emotional bottle and stayed calm. 

I called the dr to figure out where to go. 

i called rob to come home from work (thank heaven he works close to home and they let him go for the day).

i chatted with caleb. 

i got really scared and helpless feeling. 

 This is at st. marks hospital. we went here because it was close and covered by insurance. unfortunately they couldn't do much so they put him in this lovely splint and told us to go to primarys. 

after four hours of waiting around. 

Caleb was phenomenal at this ER. 

he hardly cried and was so brave. 

i was so proud and grateful to him for not making me hear him scream. 

Later, i got in touch with primaries and of course they sugessted we go into the ER there. 

so we spent that evening at the ER in primaries. 

it did not go nearly as well as at st. marks. 

Caleb was exhausted and scared of everything and my soul was ripped to shreds listening to my brave boy wimper and cry. 

the worst was when they put him in the cast.  

that was when the lid popped off my emotional box and i cried and cried. 

The meds they had him on hightened his already-intense-scared-four-year-old emotions.

I didn't need meds. i was scared, tired and worried for him 

i haven't experienced those emotions yet as a mother. 

it was sorta like a horrible initiation into parenthood. 

But we made it home, got him a spot set up on the couch and he has been so good.

The emotions are intense. He gets so frustrated and i feel so bad for him.

praise heaven for netflix!!!!!!!!! 

Santa came, bringing the asked for excavator for caleb. 

the pony for colton (who got an excavator under the tree)

 it was heartbreaking he could't play and dig that morning.

 Ironically, colton has been even happier than usual having been free from big-brother pestering. 

he is growing up and making his mark on our family as he figures out what it means to be almost-two. 

 Thankfully, caleb how has a wheelchair and is able to move around a bit. so much better than the couch. Eating at the table was the big, exciting evolvement. Even though he "got to" eat on the couch he missed eating with the family. 

i liked that he missed us. 

To say this has been an emotional time is an understatement. All he has is yelling and he has put it to good use in dealing with the difficulties facing him. 

i dont' blame him one bit. 

My heart breaks for my poor son. Seeing him in the wheelchair has been sobering. 

I have a whole new level of respect, courtesy and awe of parents of chronically ill children, or children with disabilities. 

**On a happy note, Rob and I celebrated 9 years of marriage on dec. 27

This spring marks 13 years since we met. 

We are still blissfully happy together.