Musings...

At this point, i have no idea what to write however i feel compelled to write...you have been warned.

Thanksgiving was great. i spent thanksgiving day watching rob play football (i was totally itching to go play) and eating. that night i spontaneously made the decision to go to pocatello, idaho where my family was hunting (my brothers, uncles, cousins and occasionally my father are bird hunters). I took caleb to see his grandma cari (thanks so much mom for all your help!) great grandma minnesota (yes that is my maiden name), great grandpa jack and great great grandma buffat. Caleb traveled like a champ, i got to listen to some cd's i got at the library and educate my taste in music and drive. i love love love to drive. seriously people, i could put hundreds of miles on my car if i had reason to do so (and we aren't talking very intense reasons ;)) it is freeing to see an open road, have good music so i can sing and think (yes, they do hand in hand for me).

rob had to work the weekend after thanksgiving (sucks being a landscapers wife and having good weather this time of year--i am praying for feet of snow to fall). i get onery and mopey waiting for rob to come home.
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i love christmastime. i love the magic of christmas. i have denied this aptitude the past few years. sometimes i am way too pracitcal. there are always so many clever ways to justify not going to the trouble of celebrating something, or making a big deal of something or going out of my way to recognize something. perhaps this is the adversary's way of lulling us into a deadened and somewhat lifeless way of living. like watching others swim on a hot day. we can appreciate what it looks like and how enjoyable it must be to swim but until you feel the water flow over your skin, drown out all the noises and you can only hear yourself breathe and feel the contrast of the warm sun on your body and the cool water you can't appreciate how it is to swim on a hot day.

i suppose this is what is pushing me to put up my christmas tree. make christmas tree ornaments out of tin foil ( i lack the creative department). listen to christmas music a lot. watch sunsets while i cook. laugh more. sing more. spontaneously drive 175 miles to see family. dream more often. i feel like i have been watching others live life and trying to figure out what life is all about by watching. just like with swimming--i can't feel life until i live life. is this what the Savior meant when he said "lose your life and ye shall find it" (ok, i botched the quotation but you get the idea)? it would seem to me, the delicate balance of the ugly realities and the view behind the rose colored glasses is exactly what our Father wants for us and satan doesn't want. isn't that what the balance between mercy and justice is all about?? the paradox, the unbelievable melding of to totally opposing ideas, ideals even. someone once told me Truth is found in examing opposites.

This is a Truth that is starting to clarify itself for me:
the wonder of life we all think we loose as we move from childhood to adulthood is never really lost merely ignored. we turn our backs on simplicity in favor of worry, complication and details through an overwhelming need to fit in.

right now caleb is too young to begin to have any wonder or excitement for all that christmas is but i am in awe watching him and trying to make christmas special for him if only to see him stare at the lights or try to touch something increases my sense of wonder and simplifies my view.

why is this such a big deal??? we are a little weird--ok call us scroodge and scroodget. we have been married for 5 years this month and have put up a christmas tree twice. yes twice. we hated cleaning up christmas. i haven't decorated for a holiday since last christmas. i hate cleaning it up. (see what i mean about excuses?!) i really love the holidays but i have gotten more and more pathetic at recognizing them since i moved out.

move over ugly reality. i want to live.