You Tell Me

Comparison Photographs:

--> 8 months
pregnant with
baby 1



<--
33 weeks
pregnant with
Baby 2

Only One

This is me 38 weeks pregnant with caleb. I feel like i look this way right now, but i'd need outside verification for authenticity. We are our own worst critics...are we not?

let me give you a preface to what you are about to read. These thoughts originated sunday. it was a day of children--i teach sunbeams (~10 kids, 3 yrs old) and the 4-5 yr olds. My partner and i are filling in for the sunbeams. Caleb is 2 1/2, rambunctious and adorable. I am 33 weeks pregnant. These facts do not add up to a particularly spiritual sunday.

I taught a lesson about how our bodies are special and essential to our progression in this life. Last night as i sat in my bath, staring at my bulging belly watching it shift and move around from colton doing whatever it is babies do in-utero i had a thought:
Only One Body
we only get one body...and i am making coltons, well my body is making it.
Pregnancy is Sacred!
Sure, its difficult! It hurts in weird ways. My sides frequently feel like they might split open, i have contractions that take my breath away (literally), my feet hurt-ache and the tingling sensation in my hands from swelling sorta freaks me out.

Despite all this, how many times do we give life...like this? All we, as women, ever discuss is the negative and discomforts and difficulty-perhaps because they are so all-consuming and seemingly everlasting...

but

it is special. Once-in-a-lifetime (or however many kids you have) special. I mean look at your kids. Watch them breathe--you did that. You, me, our mothers...we made that. Sure, it isn't a conscious making, but the two years of giving up ourselves to share our bodies with a beautiful and miraculous little parasite (think science people!)...we are amazing. Our bodies are amazing. How anyone can think we evolved from an ameoba clearly has no sense of the wonder in the mirror.

1 corinthians 3:16
Know ye not that ye are the ^atemple of God, and that the ^bSpirit of God dwelleth ^cin you?

I struggle to breathe. I can't be active because i get contractions so bad. My legs look like cottage cheese-something i don't think i have ever seen to this extent on my own body. I am planning on a c-section and for the pros it offers, i dont love the major surgery part. I envy women who get to walk around and pick up their babies right after the birth. I also have a very hard time getting pregnant and both of these boys are miracles in my book.

yet i think of the scripture above and i wonder how many more times do i get to do this: create another life, truly blossom as a woman, relish (okay okay and fear) the prospect of the future life inside me?

I am well aware of the cliche nature of this post. I know we all hear "seize the day" and "appreciate who you are" and whatever else that makes us all feel better about ourselves. But i tell you what: sitting their, watching my gargantuan belly and poking-out-belly-button shift around to the rhythm of my unborn son, grunting when he has an overly-well-placed kick; this epiphany hit hard and hit home. What i am doing matters. It isn't just some negative experience meant to bring misery to women-kind. We have the agency, the opportunity to choose how to deal with these struggles.

Do my legs still gross me out? yes. Am i petrified that i will never have flat abs ever again? oh, yes. Do i fear what the intense and overwhelming first year will bring emotionally? Oh, hell yes!

but i watch caleb run around and discover new things and smile and none of it matters. I'd die for that little one and i'd die for this unborn son. My vanity, ego and pride need to be shelved anyway.
This challenge and honor is an opportunity to rise above the base human and search for the divine within.

An update

I do not have a whole lot to say however i realized it has been a very long time since i last blogged so i thought i'd update--sans photos. Sadly, photo taking is not my forte (could be my camera is a piece of crap :))

I did a thanks-book for thanksgiving. Every day in november i texted my in-laws (who we were spending thanksgiving with) and asked what they were thankful for. Everyone answered as often as they wanted, disclosing as much as they wanted and their were no obligations. Rob, and I and Caleb did it daily. Caleb was always grateful for Jesus and crackers. It was so nice to make an effort to focus on thanks-giving--literally. The focus on all we have was refreshing. I was actually sad to have it end. I put all the answers in a scrap book and took it to Thanksgiving Dinner. It was so much more than i anticipated.

Our december was pretty calm. I am not one to enjoy being busy. I ended up having a lot of contractions so i hunkered in and took it easy. My cousin had her baby at 32 weeks and all of us have had her family in our thoughts and prayers. Thus my family has been very concerned about all my contractions. After a bunch of tests we determined i am a spazy-freak (i was contracting every 20 seconds during the non-stress test. I couldn't feel most of them but every now and then they are pretty strong) but the baby is happy, healthy and thriving--and i was not at risk for preterm labor. Can't ask for much more than that!!

Christmas was wonderful, caleb got spoiled and so did i. We spent so much time with families, Rob got to go snowboarding on christmas eve-minnesota family tradition. Unfortunately i was not able to participate so my mom and sister-in-law stayed home too and we made christmas dinner. It was lovely and enjoyable. Caleb was pretty good too. Rob got 200 tulip bulbs for christmas and true-to-form rob was outside planting them two days before christmas. Caleb was outside for the whole process--dressed as warm as he could be and a pink nose to boot. But he was in heaven, our little boy LOVES working outside with daddy!

I have discovered essential oils and bought some through a friend. I have fallen in love! And even though rob is so much more hesitant (scientific really) to fall in love-he really likes them as well. I feel so empowered.

I had to do the 3 hour glucose tolerance test. I tell you what--it was easily the most awful thing ever! I can totally understand why pregnant women are not asked to fast! After 18 hours of not eating (other than the nasty glucose crap) i felt like i had been hit by a bus. I was thrown off for two days...i felt pathetic.

We are all looking forward to the arrival of our next bundle. I vacillate between being petrified of having him out of me and dying of discomfort. Caleb is pretty excited. He got a new cousin just before thanksgiving and since then he has been very aware of babies and making sure mom and baby brother are ok. Any time i make a noise of discomfort Caleb is quick to ask "mom ok?" So endearing!