i think i am superwoman

helping my physically capable  but mentally frightened four-year-old for the past 6 weeks has been in a word: 

brutal

i was hiding in my bathroom when i heard caleb screaming for me to come take him to the potty. 

for the bajillionth time. 

i sighed, shushing my irritation and went to take care of him--even though he can do it himself. 

as i was walking out, i looked in the mirror and thought to myself "i have survived a month of this. i must be superwoman."

winter is taking its toll on me. 

between the cold, complete lack of sunshine and being cooped up in my house, i am ready to implode or explode...whatever..some kind of combustion.

i has hit me that my lack of peace and source of frustration is my expectations:

i think i need caleb to go to the potty alone but i reality, i can handle helping him. i just have to submit my stubbornness.

i think i need sunshine, but i can find other sources of rejuvenation. i just have to look harder.

i think i need a clean house but i can cope with just a clean grown-up bedroom. 

i think i need colt to not scream like he has his leg sawed off because caleb took his toy but i can cope with it. i can tune out the sounds. 

i think i need tranquility to deal with my inner irritations but i can learn to squash them on my own. 

in short, what i think i need and what i actually need at two different things. 

when i let go of what i think i need 

i can find the joy and rejuvenation i need. 

That said:

For the briefest moment he had his cast off today. 

instead of the black, removable walking boot i was hoping for, he got a shorter hard cast. (pics later)

his bones are healing well and he will be able to walk in this cast.

when he is ready. 

today, in his mind, his leg is re-broken and is terrified to do anything. 

we have taken a significant step backwards...

i am hoping it is a short lived thing.

 a very short lived thing. 

i am sure it will be. 

he will be running around in no time and i will long for the days when things stayed clean because he was stuck on the couch. 

in the meantime, i will work to change my mindset.

lets face it, all of our problems are within our power to deal with more effectively. 

so, just like the little engine that could, i will chant to myself 

"i think i can; i think i can"

eventually i will. 

getting stronger

This week caleb has 

*started using his good leg to support his weight more

*spent more time on the ground scooting around playing, than on the couch

**starting to use his walker

These are huge steps forward in his healing. 

He has been so scared of using his good leg, almost as if he forgot he could. 

It has been fascinating to wade through this experience with him. 

seeing his emotional healing as well as his physical healing is difficult in so many ways but has been 

exciting when he does little things that show big improvement. 

he tries to show others what he can do and they are always so kind and positive

but i think rob and i are the ones who see the improvements most because we have been living through the whining, screaming, terrible attitudes, odd temper tantrums, freak-outs, brave moments, relentless tv

and a host of parental emotions that follow. 

this week marked two weeks left in this particular cast. i hope he gets a walking cast after this,

but i have no idea what happens next. 

we are all looking forward to a trip to st. george to play outside, swim and play outside more when k can. 

Headed out for some fun

January blues were threatening the other day so i loaded us all up and went to Scheels. Caleb loved the animals, colton loved the backpack (thank you tara, literal lifesaver!) and i loved getting out. 

we most certainly got some serious stares but i pretended i was a normal mom not doing anything unusual. 

thank heaven for stores with lots of square footage!

A major event

Caleb broke his leg. Both bones about mid way between knee and ankle. He was jumping from the window sill above my bed onto my bed and his leg got caught between the wall and headboard. Funny thing is, i had asked him probably 5 minutes before it happened not to jump that day. He had nodded in agreement; then i heard the snap. He pulled his leg out from being stuck and while i wanted to freak out, i knew he needed me to be calm so i slammed the lid on my emotional bottle and stayed calm. 

I called the dr to figure out where to go. 

i called rob to come home from work (thank heaven he works close to home and they let him go for the day).

i chatted with caleb. 

i got really scared and helpless feeling. 

 This is at st. marks hospital. we went here because it was close and covered by insurance. unfortunately they couldn't do much so they put him in this lovely splint and told us to go to primarys. 

after four hours of waiting around. 

Caleb was phenomenal at this ER. 

he hardly cried and was so brave. 

i was so proud and grateful to him for not making me hear him scream. 

Later, i got in touch with primaries and of course they sugessted we go into the ER there. 

so we spent that evening at the ER in primaries. 

it did not go nearly as well as at st. marks. 

Caleb was exhausted and scared of everything and my soul was ripped to shreds listening to my brave boy wimper and cry. 

the worst was when they put him in the cast.  

that was when the lid popped off my emotional box and i cried and cried. 

The meds they had him on hightened his already-intense-scared-four-year-old emotions.

I didn't need meds. i was scared, tired and worried for him 

i haven't experienced those emotions yet as a mother. 

it was sorta like a horrible initiation into parenthood. 

But we made it home, got him a spot set up on the couch and he has been so good.

The emotions are intense. He gets so frustrated and i feel so bad for him.

praise heaven for netflix!!!!!!!!! 

Santa came, bringing the asked for excavator for caleb. 

the pony for colton (who got an excavator under the tree)

 it was heartbreaking he could't play and dig that morning.

 Ironically, colton has been even happier than usual having been free from big-brother pestering. 

he is growing up and making his mark on our family as he figures out what it means to be almost-two. 

 Thankfully, caleb how has a wheelchair and is able to move around a bit. so much better than the couch. Eating at the table was the big, exciting evolvement. Even though he "got to" eat on the couch he missed eating with the family. 

i liked that he missed us. 

To say this has been an emotional time is an understatement. All he has is yelling and he has put it to good use in dealing with the difficulties facing him. 

i dont' blame him one bit. 

My heart breaks for my poor son. Seeing him in the wheelchair has been sobering. 

I have a whole new level of respect, courtesy and awe of parents of chronically ill children, or children with disabilities. 

**On a happy note, Rob and I celebrated 9 years of marriage on dec. 27

This spring marks 13 years since we met. 

We are still blissfully happy together. 

remember when?

Remember when you were in college and anxious about finals, boys, money and boys?

wearing cute clothes that didn't get gross by watching a movie

having time to put on cute makeup

playing with friends without massive upheaval of schedules, finding babysitters, hearing whining....

life was so much easier then!

unexpectedly though, not better

 This morning, following the millionth demand of me, my time and attention in the three hours we have been awake

 i lost it. 

only in my head though which is a massive accomplishment in my world.

the boys are being pills and i don't know how i will survive the winter. 

seriously

but i will ; i know i will 

how?

Miracles. 

thats how. 

instead of yelling at my kids i have taken to praying and pouring my heart out desperately to God. 

i believe my Father in Heaven hears and cares about my pleas

instead of spanking (or threatening to spank) with wooden spoons i breathe deeply. 

trust me, my inner warrior-goddess is fighting me every step of the way to act to stop the infractions on my persona as a mother, woman and person. 

However this calling of motherhood isn't about me. 

its about them.

wifehood about him

This is why i fight myself, my less-than stellar qualities and bad habits

because i can be more.

i am more! 

and

Love can conquer all

Thoughts on Mary

A dear friend of mine just started up a new website dealing with mentoring other mothers to become greater. This woman used to be my babysitter and has become a close friend. Todays lesson got my wheels churning so i thought i would share with you my thoughts and her website should you be interested in checking it out. http://www.mountaintopmentoring.com

And Mary arose in those days, and went into the hill country with haste, into a city of Juda;  And entered into the house of Zacharias, and saluted Elisabeth. And it came to pass, that, when Elisabeth heard the salutation of Mary, the babe leaped in her womb; and Elisabeth was filled with the Holy Ghost: And she spake out with a loud voice, and said, 

Blessed art though among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb. And whence is this to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me? For, lo, as soon as the voice of thy salutation sounded in mine ears, the babe leaped in my womb for joy. And blessed is she that believed: for there shall be a performance of those things which were told her from the Lord.

And Mary said, My soul doth magnify the Lord, And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour. For he hath regarded the low estate of his handmaiden: for, behold, from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed. For he that is mighty hath done to me great things; and holy is his name. And his mercy is on them that fear him from generation to generation. 

He hath shewed strength with his arm; he hath scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts. He hath put down the mighty from their seats, and exalted them of low degree. He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he hath sent empty away. He hath holpen his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy; As he spake to our fathers, to Abraham, and to his seed for ever.

And Mary abode with her about three months, and returned to her own house. (Luke 1:39-56.)

Points to Ponder:

1. Mary rejoiced in her Savior (Luke 1:47). How can we rejoice in the Savior? What great things has the Lord done for you?
2. Mary magnified the Lord (Luke 1:46) by praising the Lord and helping others to see His greatness. How can we praise the Lord and help others to see His greatness?
3. What good things has the Lord filled your life with?
4. Mary and Elizabeth rejoiced in the great things the Lord did for each of them. How can we more fully recognize the greatness in others? How can we rejoice in others’ successes and avoid jealousy?

Playing catch up

I read through my blog tonight. it was so fun to me. i

it reminded me why i should be blogging:

not to see how many people read my blog

not to try to get more readers

but

for my boys

for me

for rob

the memories are so much more vivid when i reread them. 

 Coltons dork outfit. it did not fit and being the kind mother i am, i took a picture of it to remember. 

he was watching caleb build a 'cat trap' in the back lot. 

just before this, our dog chased a cat out of the lot. 

i cheered her on (no offense) and she did great!

 workin man:

caleb told me he needed to earn money to replace a pipe he broke out at the playground. my standing rule is i won't pay him for jobs he usually does (clean room, pick up dirty laundry, clean up family room) so he volunteered to mop the floor. I figured...sure. 

he did a great job. he is four and it was the first time but he did great. 

so he got a quarter. the penny he is holding he found somewhere. 

he is so proud of that quarter. he keeps telling me he is going to pay his tithing and buy a bunch of stuff with it. i haven't the heart to tell him he can't really buy anything with it yet. i will have him wash some windows or learn to dust for more quarters before i break that news to him. 

 colton getting in on the action. 

whatever caleb does, colton tries for better and for worse. 

i think it is adorable and quite a burden for caleb

 The past two or three weeks we spend most of our days outside. i read books and the boys play in the dirt or with the neighbor kids. 

it has been amazing. 

i have no idea what i am going to do when winter comes. 

besides, i will miss my vitamin d

the neighbor kids. 

these three play every day. 

the game lately is soccer. 

we have various numbers of children playing soccer with varying non-soccor balls 

it is so fun for these three to be a little possey of friends. 

caleb tells me all the time he is going to marry abby. we consistently remind him it is up to her and it is a long way off. 

but we would adopt her in a second!

next summer colton will likely join the possey and a while after that abby and cam's younger brother will join the very loud party too. 

 caleb figuring out the two wheel scooter

 these are the game rob devised: wag that tail

when colton hears music, he gets all excited and shimmies his bum back and forth thus the name 'wag that tail'. colton tries to say the name of the game but it comes out garbled and i don't know when he says it unless rob translates for me, which usually doesn't happen that way. 

rob and colton definitely have a special bond. colton cannot get enough of rob. i find it endearing and a little sad. it used to be me that he always wanted but i suppose i had my turn. 

i am glad i worked so hard to appreciate the times he wanted me. 

i will likely be more glad as time goes on. 

more messes

caleb got excited to have some otter pops. 

his own kid scissors got stuck in the box and he must have started snipping because there was otter pop juice all over the floor, soaked the brown rag, and through the box itself. 

i contemplated grounding him from them altogether but i didn't have the heart to do it. 

he did help clean up

LOTOJA

My parents are doing the LOTOJA ride in a team with 3 other riders. 

i am so proud of them!! they have worked so hard, ridden so many miles and had so much enjoyment come of it all. 

so the boys and i did this craft today.

i wrote the saying, owing to its cheese-ball nature and slightly awkward phrasing. 

here is what it says:

we're nuts for you and think you are worth 100 grand. We hope your ride is full of joy and your butt holds up. hope the rocks don't force your tires to lose air, force you to rollover or get a whopping injury. We know you can lead the way and find the extra whatchmacallit when you need it. lead your leagues on the trail and betwixt you both, if you don't skid, you'll skor at your finish. We wish you mounds of luck so you can mamba now&later.

my mom got me a shirt so i could wear it in solidarity since i can't go cheer them on. If you see me wearing a lotoja shirt, it is to support my parents. 

you go mom and dad!!!

in case you don't know, LOTOJA is a bike ride from logan, ut to jackson, wy.
206 miles
3 states
1 day

workings of a 4 year olds mind

disclosure: we are not pro-obama

rob listened to the democrat convention speeches while he and caleb were driving home from his basketball game. 

rob: "do you know who the president of the united states is?"

caleb: "ya, the united states"

rob: "no, the president is barack obama"

caleb: "barack obama? barack obama.  he is the president? he protects us if there is a fire in the mountains or if there is an earthshake"

when caleb told me this, i busted out laughing. 

we talk a lot about earthshakes, fires and tornadoes. 

caleb helps me get our food storage put together. 

relying on barack obama is not part of our plan nor has the government helping us ever been part of our conversations. 

clearly he listened to the convention.

funny the workings of a 4-year old's mind.

thinking

do you ever find yourself thinking too much?

or more than you can handle?

these are classic characteristics of jill. 

my husband patiently lets me stew until i am ready and then boy-oh-boy how my cup overfloweth

we have been hanging out with grandparents. 

it has been great! 

we are thrilled to return to our normal patterns though. 

naps, down-time, predictable lunches and hoped for friend-time. 

New Family Pictures

My brilliant sister-in-law 

took our family pictures. I just got them and am so thrilled! 

She threw in some other pictures she had of the boys. 

I am so excited to get these printed and on my wall!!!

never mentioned

i love the idea of picnics. Every time we go outside to enjoy food, we get swarmed by bees and flies. being dive-bombed for my corn or potatoes is unpleasant. IT is also dangerous to all surrounding the table: you know the motions--large arm swinging motions to shoo a bee away as if they were prize boxers.

 It is more than obnoxious!

so trying to plan a romantic outdoor meal is impossible. 

This absolute fact is never mentioned in movies or books.

In movies and books, picnics  are where romantic, private chats and secret moments occur. THey are always picturesque. Always inviting and i always get sucked into thinking..."maybe this time"

i find this misleading. 

much like my favorite romantic movies of youth, they give the wrong impression of picnics (and love). 

life is good. life is hard. 

sometimes it is hilarious in it's irony. 

how come the real parts are celebrated minimally?